About Us
This place is a message... and part of a system of messages... pay attention to it! Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture. This place is not a place of honor... no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here... nothing valued is here. What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. This message is a warning about danger. The danger is in a particular location... it increases towards a center... the center of danger is here... of a particular size and shape, and below us. The danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours. The danger is to the body, and it can kill. The form of the danger is an emanation of energy. The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place physically. This place is best shunned and left uninhabited.
Also I made an app.
FreeMPH Privacy Policy
Effective Date: 24 August 2025
Tuna Meltdown Software respects your privacy. This application does not collect, store, use, or share any personal information from its users.
No Data Collection
The app does not collect personal data, usage data, or any other information.
No Third Party Services
The app does not use analytics tools, advertising networks, or third-party SDKs that track users.
Children’s Privacy
Because no information is collected, the app is safe for users of all ages.
Changes to this Policy
If this policy changes in the future, we will update this page.
If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, you may contact us at: freemph@tunameltdown.com
FreeMPH
FreeMPH is (or, rather, will be: I'm waiting for app store approval) a competely free speedometer application for iOS.
Are you deeply excited by this concept? Frankly that's a little weird but I'm not here to judge. If you want to be notified when it comes out, do not hit the subscribe button: there isn't one. I'm afraid you'll just have to remember this web page and check back occasionally, like we did in the stone ages.
Can you show me what it will look like?
Sure, here's some screenshots! (Note: the final app might look slightly different. Or maybe a lot!)
Did the world really need another one of these?
Well, there's a story behind this: a few months ago, your humble narrator was on vacation in Japan and was taking the Nozomi Shinkansen (the really fast one) between Tokyo and Hiroshima, and decided to see if there was a speedometer app that I could download so I could take a screenshot of the train achieving Ludicrous Speed to send to my friends and relatives. Just normal train nerd stuff.
Did I find a speedometer app? Reader, I found dozens of them. Possibly hundreds; I gave up scrolling after a while. And what they all had in common, as far as I could tell, was that they were complete and total scams. Each one of them wanted to sell you a subscription, often for as much as $20 a month, to see the speed you were currently travelling at. And boy oh boy did they try really hard to make sure you clicked the subscribe button. The entire app category, as far as I could tell, exists to fleece the unwary and elderly out of their money, as well as upload your location history to scumbag data brokers in Turkmenistan. (Just kidding, they're proud American scumbag data brokers.)
This was not acceptable.
So behold: FreeMPH. It's a speedometer app. It is, as far as I can tell, every bit as accurate and fast (which is to say: kinda, and not very) as every other speedometer app for iOS, because it uses the exact same iOS system API for ascertaining the current speed as they all do. It differs from the aforementioned piles of dark-pattern scammer nonsense in only a few noteworthy ways:
- It is free. Really and truly free. There are no in-app payments, no subscriptions, no hidden fees or charges. This is a silly app that I coded up in about a day. I don't want your money for it. Keep your filthy lucre to yourself.
- Also: no ads. None. I mean sure, I could put an ad banner in here, and maybe when my kid starts emitting college tuition bills I'll succumb to the temptation? But again: I threw this together in an afternoon. I have some professional pride here.
- It collects no data at all. At this point I'm afraid it doesn't even remember your unit settings between sessions; maybe I'll fix that at some point. But also maybe not.
- It offers an array of useful time and distance units to choose from: if you have ever wanted to know how fast you are going in smoots per fortnight, or parsecs per century this is the app for you. Or, fine, be boring and predictable and use miles or kilometers per hour.
- And most importantly, when at rest, it turns the 0.0 display into a friendly cat face. Meow.
Now, the catch...
Just kidding, there really isn't one. There is a link in the app to the ACLU Foundation's tax-deductible donation page, as I happen to think that they're a worthwhile organization and that if you have a spare dollar and found any of this amusing you should send it to them. But if you don't think they're a worthwhile organization, you can make a dismissive gesture and ignore it. Or whatever, I'm not your supervisor.
That said if you're still reading, I'm actually going to make a suggestion which again you're free to ignore: if you haven't thought yet about estate and end-of-life planning... maybe do that? Nobody likes thinking about this stuff but rememember how a few paragraphs ago I kinda alluded to how scam apps often prey on the elderly? Yeah, personal experience talking there. We all like to think that we'll be strong, self-sufficient and compos mentis right up until the end but nothing is guaranteed and none of us know the day or the hour.
You should have at a minimum a will, a living will and a medical proxy, and if you're over the age of 50 you should add someone you trust as a trusted contact on all of your financial accounts.
The National Institute on Aging has a good all-in-one checklist for estate and end-of-life planning here. If that link goes down, you can see the archived version here.
Dude, You skipped the important part: how fast was the Shinkansen??
Hello, fellow train nerd. It topped out at 171 miles per hour. That's over 2X as fast as the average speed of the Acela if you're keeping track, which I absolutely was.
What's the ratio of words on this webpage to lines of code in the app?
At least 10:1. Why are you still reading this?